I used to think my faults and choices led me in a downhill path.
When I look at the situations my stubborn ex-friends put themselves in and choose to go… I now realize how good I have it.
I hope you guys enjoy living a life full of dishonesty and disgusting recreation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p48QsPyUBo&feature=related
It’s November 11. I made my wish and went to bed, or at least attempted to. I always have my phone’s music play quietly to lullaby me to sleep. Then this song comes up. OHHH MY GAT
I left the states to find something more or seek it out. I’ve been sorta side tracked with family-offered vacationing, and it’s been nice but, I don’t know.
GOD DAMN that song makes me feel really alone. I spent all day running around Singapore trying to find people to make friends with, but to no avail - maybe better luck tomorrow?
By all means, I’m having fun in Singapore. I love it here, maybe enough to not want to go back to the Philippines (OMG AN ACTUAL SHOWER, OMG PHO, OMG… oh wait there’s no fucking music scene here). I just wish I had someone to share these moments with - not necessarily romantically - just someone.
I’m so hopeless LOL
This is it, the real deal - I guess
My proposed move to the Philippines (or maybe just away from here?) is finally happening. In 24 hours, I will be boarding my plane and lifting off to the disgusting sight of me leaving my home.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been planning to move away. It’s not that I hate it here, in fact I love it (particularly around Roseville LOL -I always dream of settling down here). I just want to venture elsewhere and feel the contrasts of life in other places.
I’ve always had the opportunity, but previously there were always anchors: school, friends, band… dad.
I’m not gonna make any excuses, as far as school goes I am years behind where I should be, but frankly I didn’t give a fuck. All I cared about was honing my musical skills and senses, focused on ideas and writing for my band that became complete shit. I turned 20 and decided that I really needed to work on my plan B (whatever the fuck that is) and begin schooling. I tried to get into some classes I liked at a community college but I was wait-listed for all of them and a couple days after school began I didn’t get into my classes. Supposedly, I am supposed to attend class anyways and keep attending until a spot opens and I am formally enrolled - I had no idea and gave up on this.
At this point, I was really upset. What was I to do now? Go find a job again until enrolling begins again? I asked my mom about me staying in Philippines for a while and maybe try out music there. She suggested Singapore instead, and I was really hyped on that idea. Later on though, I felt like I wouldn’t make as much of an impact than I would in Philippines. So now I’m going to stay there for a couple months and move to Singapore only AFTER I feel like I really hate where I’m at. Maybe I’m completely wrong (do keep in mind that my priority is to share my passion - but who doesn’t like a little success?), it’s really just my gut instinct accompanied by family encouraging that idea.
I was really iffy about leaving, but then I lost some friendships that I realize I didn’t need and it really felt like I had nothing here which sucks… but, in another point-of-view, it was also a blessing. I’ve no band, no school, and no friends (okay I have like 3) - I don’t really need to stay here anymore.
However, leaving would mean my dad would be all alone.
He really enjoys his work and he’s quite the guy there. Whenever I tag along with him to company events or just work visits he seems to get along and socialize with a lot of people. But whenever he’s home, I am his only real source of company. It’s almost as if his whole out-of-work routine is based on me. I get sick and teary at the thought of how I’d feel if I were him and ‘Joseph’ was leaving for a long time and how drastic of a change it’d be for my life. I really hope when I am gone my dad can find a good source of company SOMEWHERE. I can’t help but to cry as I type right now LOL. /wuss
I told him I will be staying there a short while… but I really think I will be away far longer than that. I think he senses the ‘abandonment’ and kept down-talking living conditions and chances of finding something worthy out there - I really can’t blame him. I feel like I am all he has… and I feel REAAAALLY fucking terrible for taking that away from him, but I need to live my life too. This reason alone has contributed to me staying here more than every other reason combined (why I didn’t stay in Philippines last year, why I didn’t run to San Fran to be a bum, and why I didn’t make all the way to Washington - I’ve never admitted any of this).
My heart is so wrenched, I’m positive I’ll beg and plead to come back for an instantaneous return if I feel like my dad has become depressed or ill with no one to care for him. FUkkckckfkkfkfk. I love you so much Daddy, please be strong for me so I can be strong for you and everyone else.
I’m deeply grateful for those who stood by me whenever I needed them or even those who granted me a suffice amount of their attention - I hope I do get a chance to visit every now and then so I can grant you hugs.
Those who let themselves walk out of my life - I could really care less for any of you right now LOL. Suck my fucking balls.
Wish me luck in finding more of a purpose wherever I end up ~
This is just an old song I wrote for a friend who passed. The lyrics aren’t amazing or poetically intelligent. It’s just something that means a lot to me. …YEA >_>
Leave it to scars to remind me
Every day that passes seem so incomplete
After life, will I see you again?
Holding to the last bit of hope that I have.
I’m missing you
are you missing me?
the tears on my face just won’t
go away.
I’m here for you
when you need me.
Life got so hard, why’d you
go away?
I won’t forget… I won’t forget…
Left here without any last words
Eating all the pain I have ever hurt
And if I could bring you back to my life
How things would be so different.
Loving the memories I’ve shared with you
Eying your eyes as I’ve wanted to
Admiring the thought of just us two
How thing could have been so different.
I’m missing you
are you missing me?
the tears on my face just won’t
go away.
I’m here for you
when you need me.
Life got so hard, why’d you
go away?
I won’t forget. I won’t forget.
Leaving this life for just one dance
Excitement I’ll find in holding hands
A promising moment for future plans
How long will you stay with me?
Lights at the end of your tunnel
Every step closure was closer
An unfortunate path where you walk away
How is any of this fair?
My heart is torn,
My feelings through
The melody of my life has
Followed you
I say goodbye
And I close the window
Because my prayers
bring nothing…
I’m missing you
are you missing me?
the tears on my face just won’t…
I’m here for you
when you need me.
Life got so hard why’d you…
I’m missing you
are you missing me?
the tears on my face just won’t
go away.
I’m here for you
when you need me.
Life got so hard, why’d you
go away?
I won’t forget, I’ll remember.
I won’t forget, I remember Leah.
THE DAY STARTS OFF SLOW…
I actually slept the prior night and woke up at 7-8am (I FORGET) and exchanged words with my darling friend, Tiffany. I made a sandwich,… well actually I made two but I could only stomach one (I HATE WHEN HUNGER CONVINCES ME TO MAKE TWO, AUGH. WASTING FOOD SUCKS DONKEY NUTS).
Me and dad went out for lunch at Tomi, a Japanese buffet in Roseville, AND I STUFFED MY ASS WITH SUSHI AND COLD SOBA LOL. Ugh, I felt so gross afterwards SO FULL - STILL AM. Then we went to the oriental market blah blah who gives a fuck.
BUT THEN WE WENT TO FUCKING WALMART.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Walmart. I go there all the time @___@, even at 3 am (HIGH FIVE) but, we were there for an oil change and the expected wait was 40 minutes. 40 minutes isn’t too bad ! We were roaming around the grocery section AND OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE THIS SIREN COMES ABOUT. It wasn’t uber loud or anything, but it was bothering the shit out of me. I TOOK A LOOK AROUND TO FIND IT’S SOURCE BUT MY EYES KEPT LOCKING ON THIS HUGE PAPER MODEL ROOSTER THING (lolorcock). FUCK THAT ROOSTER, I SWEAR IT WAS COMING FROM HIM. I kept doing that head nod thing signaling to my dad that we should leave BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT FROZEN SHRIMP.
I don’t know… how to conclude this ‘cause we simply just left… sooooo
FUCK THAT COCK.
Before we part ways ~ Averoigne
A surprise to me
When you came here like Spring;
Brought color to life,
And made hummingbirds sing.
I would tousle your hair,
When you voice at me, “Please,
Tell me I’m the one who
Makes you weak in the knees.”
I will cover your scars
While I silence your pain,
And wash them ‘goodbye’
As we stand in the rain.
With dolled eyes you’d stare
So shyly at me,
As if at that moment
Your god set you free.
The traits that we share,
And the choices we make,
For love, we’d shed blood;
For each other, we’d take
A grand leap of faith
Or a risk for our days
In awe for the moment
Before we part…
May I have your hand?
May I take your breath,
Away with the kissing and passion I give?
I may make mistakes,
I may disappoint,
But, I’ll keep this promise as long as I live.
Silent you slept,
When I rose from a dream,
Where, kneeled, I was humble,
And showed you a ring.
You were blushing with tears
And you happily agreed,
A look into future of
What we could be.
May I take your hand,
And hold it ‘til death?
Bound by a promise I vowed we would live.
I may raise the stakes,
In proving a point
To show you that I’m the one you belong with.
The traits that we share
And the choices we make,
For love, we’d shed blood
For each other, we’d take
A grand leap of faith
Or a risk for our days
In awe for the moment
Before we part ways…
Probably not, but I’ve never beaten myself so much over not saying “Hi” or getting acquainted with a random cute asian girl.
So there we were, soaking from the pouring rain. The smell of wet cement, fresh-cut fries and a very nice Roseville gentleman to hold the door open as we enter our regular In-N-Out joint. It’s always a great feeling of walking into a warm, and populated place willing to serve you delicious food (at the cost of your tender, of course) from a disgustingly wet and cold environment.
The place was fucking crowded as hell. WE WERE SO GONNA EAT IN THE CAR. Whenever I walk anywhere EVER, I MUST scout the area for familiar faces or people of interest ( particularly cute females who hopefully don’t have boyfriends )
-and ohhhhh there she was…-
She was sitting in a booth, with two white senior citizens (probably adoptee parents or exchange-student-hosts), with the most innocent look on her face. We were both stuck in that situation where you know that the person is looking at you, looking at them, but you are both pretending not to notice. I turned back to my posse (lol) and made conversation while we were waiting in our painfully long (actually, it was surprisingly short) line. I took periodic looks to get a more refined idea of who I was dealing with, but I shyly looked away (each time) when I noticed she was looking at me too.
I finally made it to the cashier and ordered my food, and then I made my way to stand in the open space to the left where I could be obnoxious and get this girl to look at me. At the corner of my eye, I saw her female parental get up and leave and I thought to myself “Oh shit, she’s leaving. Better take one more look EL OH EL”. My eyes followed the lady, and stopped as she passed that girl.
I should have expected that she was already looking at me. For a brief moment time stopped, as we gazed into each others eyes. I began to notice her fine short hair, her grey jacket with faux fur augmenting the hood, her lack of make-up and needing any, the beauty mark that I somehow can’t remember where it was placed, and her vibrant black eyes staring into the depths of mine
… I’m also sure at this moment she was noticing how silly I stood and how flawed I am physically..
but, time came-to and when we both realized this she cracked a gorgeous smile simultaneous to mine. I turned around in shock and nervousness and dug my face into my palms at how nerve-rackingly amazing that was. I looked at my friends and they kept questioning my awkward attitude (mind that I am already very awkward). I turned back to where that angel was but, she was gone.
I was able to catch her hood, and follow it with my eyes as she walked out the door making conversation with her parentals, and yet, looking back at me.
I don’t know why I didn’t run after her.
We left after receiving our food and made our way to the mall. I was telling my story to my friends and how I should have said something, but I was too shy LOL. We finally parked and, where the plan was to sit in the car and eat, I decided I needed to make haste and hope that she went to the mall as well. I litterally ran from store to store, eye-balling every possible candidate but to my misfortune and my laziness to make this read anyFUCKING longer LOL, I didn’t find her.
Fuck i’m lazy.. asdakhhghanfng,
ANYWAYS. we code named her “Wing Wen” LOL YOU MIGHT NOTICE I’M NOW FRIENDS WITH WING WEN SINCE I ADDED EVERY PERSON NAMED TAHT LOLfsdfasdhjkl.
and I searched EVERY public facebook user who used Antelope, Roseville, Lincoln, Citrus Heights, Rocklin, or Sacramento as their hometown LOL.
Being a hopeless romantic sucks, and fuck all of you making me not want to give up looking for her by saying “good luck” or “you’ll meet her one day” LOL I HATE YOU ALLLLLLLLL.
Also, if you read the whole thing, YOU ARE A BALLER.
I haven’t posted anything on here in over a month, I feel bad.
But, I have no idea what to say.
PEOPLE ARE DUMB SO I AVOID A LOT OF THEM,
I STILL CRAVE WAFFLES AND ICE CREAM
GO GIRLS ARE STILL MY FAVORITE, BUT MONSTERS ARE JUST SO MUCH CHEAPER.
I DON’T ENJOY BEING SINGLE, BUT I AM NOT LOOKING TO DATE ~
I shaved my head.
Happy Birthday Annabelle. I LOVE YOUR VOICE CLIPS :3
BALLINNNNNNNNNNNN
Can’t get over how much this song romps.
I sat around thinking what happened today.
What I should have done; what I should have said.
I’ve been searching forever, you’re finally in my life
but, I can’t take another step ‘til you’re here by my side.
So I stood there, lost and lonely.
I vowed to make each day
one that you’d remember.
A promise; a keepsake;
a loving surrender.
I’ll hold onto the fire that keeps us together…
Into your eyes, I just can’t look away.
Vibrant it’s color; mesmeric its sway.
You’re a tease to all men who can dream in their sleep
of a girl so amazing; of a lady to keep.
But, I stood there lonely.
You came here to hold me.
I vowed to make each day
one that you’d remember.
A promise; a keepsake;
a loving surrender.
I’ll hold onto the fire that keeps us together
and warm up that smile when cold winter takes over.
The pulse of my heart could not beat any faster.
A spark from the moment your face drew in closer.
The scent of ‘Seduction’ left me with one answer,
to tilt back your head for our lips to find closure.
You once told me
“Love is not true”
But, I want you to
see what I see.
When you hold me
how, I can’t seem to
forget how you
kissed me softly.
You once told me
“Love is not true”
I couldn’t convince you to
see what I see.
When you hold me
how, I just want to
forget how you
kissed me softly.
Today my mom left for Singapore, she’s going to live with her sister there for a breath of fresh air and opportunity. I was all for her moving over there, she doesn’t exactly have the best life over here, and I relished the thought that she would do better, or find excitement elsewhere.
It was hard watching her leave. I helped load her bags into her friend’s car in the pouring rain, turned to her, and held my tears back as she hugged me and said ‘I love you’. I went inside and immediately burst into tears, turned to look outside of the window and watch the car makes its way. I don’t have any idea when I will see her again, and it frightens me. I thought I would be okay, but now I’m not so sure.
I felt like the air got thicker, it was a little more difficult to breathe, the rain seemed to have poured harder as well (but that could just been my emotional side exaggerating the sound). I don’t remember the last time I felt so alone. There’s no Doug around to laugh and play games with me, no Rufus to take a crap everywhere I don’t want him to, no Mom to take me out to breakfast and complain about her boyfriend, I guess I might as well include that I can’t even keep a stable relationship for whatever stupid reason.
As if things didn’t seem bad enough, I had a horrible experience when I was merely making my way to Kevin’s house. I pulled outside the gates of my apartment, merged into a turning lane, but swerved to the right ‘cause there was a squirrel in the middle of the road. Luckily, there were no cars around so I had ample time to sit there and think. I opened my door and looked back to make sure I didn’t run him over. I didn’t, but he was still there. I pondered and was in disbelief, but he stood there, frozen (I assume from the cold rain that had just passed). I didn’t know if I should have gotten out and placed him on the side walk or something, he was bound to get ran over and it was the least I could do, but instead I just made my way. It was just a squirrel, but I felt like it was a sign. As if it was foreshadowing the next chapter to my life, frozen and lifeless. I feel like it’s such a mild thing to take so seriously, but it’s stuck in my head.
I wish there was someone who could just hold me and convincingly tell me that everything is going to get better, even if they weren’t sure, or lying. I feel like I need those words more than anything right now.
A nice song to remind me that I’m alone.
LOL u__u
Eating a loaf of french bread (from Wal-Mart, IT’S SO GOOD LOL MMM) and some fish balls.
I love food but, I also hate how much food there is in the world. I want to try everything. What makes expensive wine and cheese worth the effort of aging or paying for!? THINGS LIKE THAT
Man I wish I was Anthony Bourdain. How did he get to where he’s at? Wrote a book or two and did a bunch of drugs right?… Right?
